Connecting Through Kindness: A Journey with Alan Questell
The focal point of the podcast revolves around the transformative power of intentional acts of kindness and self-acceptance, as articulated by Alan Questell, the author of "Practice Intentional Acts of Kindness." He argues that fostering kindness not only enhances interpersonal relationships but also cultivates a deeper appreciation of oneself. Throughout the conversation, he shares personal anecdotes, including the profound impact of daily phone calls to his father, which illustrate how small, consistent gestures of kindness can create lasting changes in one's self-perception and emotional well-being. Moreover, he delves into the importance of being present in the moment and connecting with others, suggesting that these practices can mitigate feelings of isolation, especially in today's digital age. Ultimately, the episode serves as a gentle reminder that kindness, both to oneself and to others, is not merely a fleeting act but a skill that can be cultivated and practiced throughout life.
Alan is on a mission to cultivate kindness and help individuals discover how acts of kindness can lead to greater satisfaction and happiness. With extensive experience in teaching and research, Alan firmly believes that everyone can benefit from more kindness in their lives. The question is, are you already kind, or would you like to become kinder?
Trained by Dr. Feldenkrais (Amherst 1983), Alan has lectured and taught at hospitals, colleges and FELDENKRAIS® Professional Training Programs throughout the U.S., Mexico, Colombia, Brazil, Australia, New Zealand, Europe, Japan, Taiwan and Canada, teaching people from all walks of life.
He has taught at Princeton University, S.U.N.Y. College at Purchase, the New York Open Center, the New Actors Workshop, NYC, The Institute for Transpersonal Psychology, Palo Alto, CA and at Mother Teresa’s Shishu Bhavan in Calcutta, India.
Takeaways:
- The podcast emphasizes the importance of kindness in daily interactions, suggesting that simple acts can significantly enhance one's sense of self-worth and well-being.
- Throughout the conversation, they explore how technology and virtual interactions have impacted human connections, particularly in a post-pandemic context.
- They delve into the concept of intentionality in both kindness and self-acceptance, indicating that practicing these behaviors can lead to a greater appreciation of oneself.
- The guest highlights the Feldenkrais method as a unique approach to movement that not only improves physical functioning but also enhances self-image and emotional health.
Links referenced in this episode:
Transcript
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Speaker B:We're going to get to our guest.
Speaker B:He wrote a book.
Speaker B:It's called Practice Intentional Acts of Kindness.
Speaker B: like yourself and I think in: Speaker B:Welcome to the show, Mr. Allen Questel.
Speaker B:Did I get that one right?
Speaker A:Pretty good, yeah.
Speaker A:Questel.
Speaker B:Cool, man.
Speaker B:Hey, welcome to the show.
Speaker A:Thanks so much for having me.
Speaker A:It's a pleasure to be here.
Speaker B:Hey, I'm glad we got this happening, minus technical issues, we just.
Speaker B:We're gonna run right through it.
Speaker B:We.
Speaker B:You can't look back in this kind of thing.
Speaker B:Alan, quick question.
Speaker B:I don't know you, you don't know me.
Speaker B:Why did you write this book?
Speaker B:Especially with.
Speaker B:With a title like this?
Speaker B:This is more of a self help, well being kind of title, Stay positive title, I think.
Speaker B: Something we need in: Speaker B:What made you write the book?
Speaker A:Well, there are a number of things that made me write the book.
Speaker A: not just something we need in: Speaker A:I don't think there's been a time where having more kindness in our lives and learning to like ourselves more hasn't been meaningful, significant, and worthwhile for anybody.
Speaker A:Now, the things that led me to the book were a number of things.
Speaker A:Actually.
Speaker A:One of them was an event I had with my father years ago.
Speaker A:And I was never very close to my dad.
Speaker A:We had a fine relationship, but he was kind of one of those absent dads.
Speaker A:And at some point later in his life, he ran out of money and fortunately my brother and I were able to support him.
Speaker A:And.
Speaker A:And then he developed dementia and we had to put him in a home.
Speaker A:And when we put him in a home, it was in Florida.
Speaker A:And my stepmother was going to New York for the summer.
Speaker A:And I thought, no one is going to call him.
Speaker A:No one's around.
Speaker A:And I thought, I'm going to call him every day.
Speaker A:And at the time that was in Florida, I lived in California.
Speaker A:And I started this practice of calling him every day.
Speaker A:And over the years, I realized that this was a very specific act of kindness that.
Speaker A:That grew into many other avenues.
Speaker B:You must have made his day every single day like that.
Speaker B:Knowing that there's someone out there just to say hello.
Speaker B:I mean, that right there must open up some endorphins in the brain and, you know, it must.
Speaker B:Must give you the.
Speaker B:Must have given him the warm and fuzzies.
Speaker A:I would think, well, when he remembered, yeah, I mean, let's face it.
Speaker A:But he always knew who I was.
Speaker A:And, you know, I would get upset if I was away somewhere and I couldn't call for a day.
Speaker A:But he didn't really notice it, but it really did make a big difference.
Speaker A:It was a huge difference.
Speaker B:And did it affect you as well?
Speaker A:Oh, tremendously, tremendously.
Speaker A:I. I would say, you know, I did that every day for three years.
Speaker A:And I developed such a strong habit that once he passed, I'd wake up in the morning and still reach for the phone and go oh, he's gone.
Speaker A:I can't do that.
Speaker B:Sorry to hear that.
Speaker B:He passed.
Speaker A:Oh, no, it's okay.
Speaker A:He passed.
Speaker A:Well, it was a long time ago, but, you know, since then, I found that I've had other people in my life who I call on a regular basis.
Speaker A:And they're important phone calls, because these are people who maybe aren't that well, or they're kind of isolated, and they don't have a lot of contact with people.
Speaker A:And every time I call them, they.
Speaker A:They're joyous.
Speaker A:And it's not an easy thing to do because there are some days where I go, oh, I don't feel like calling, and it's like, I'm gonna call anyway, and I always feel better afterwards.
Speaker A:So that was one of the big things that really influenced the idea of doing acts of kindness.
Speaker B:Let me ask you, Alan.
Speaker B:Was it.
Speaker B: Was it Covid: Speaker A:Oh, no, it was way back.
Speaker B:Way before.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker A:Back in the 90s.
Speaker B:Oh, wow.
Speaker B:We're talking landlines.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:Wired phones.
Speaker B:Wow.
Speaker B:Wow.
Speaker B:You know, it's funny, even though it was way back in the 90s, like you said, I have a relative, a family member, that every so often I don't call her every day, but every so often I'm like, I wonder how she's doing, and I pick up that phone, and it's always like the most invigorating conversation.
Speaker B:And not out of anybody's.
Speaker B:You know, no one was trying to make it invigorating, but it was just this connection that me and her have.
Speaker B:You know, it was just so.
Speaker B:It's always so great because I love her so much.
Speaker B:It's always so great to connect with her.
Speaker B:Do you think that's missing nowadays?
Speaker B:Do you think we're kind of disconnected?
Speaker A:Oh, definitely.
Speaker A:And I think the word you use, connecting, is the most significant thing that when I talk, when I think about connecting, when I think of it in terms of kindness, I think about.
Speaker A:It's an action that I connect with another.
Speaker A:But then there's also being kind towards and with ourselves.
Speaker A:So it's connecting with ourselves in a certain way.
Speaker A:And if I can say that there was another path that kind of led me to this.
Speaker A:So one of the things I do for a living is I teach the Feldenkrais method, which is.
Speaker B:Yeah, tell us about that.
Speaker A:It's a movement technique based on learning theories.
Speaker A:And I work with people with orthopedic neurological problems, professional athletes, actors, dancers.
Speaker A:And we use movement as the medium to create A shift in how someone functions and a shift in their self image as well.
Speaker A:And one of the modalities is classes and the movements are very slow and small.
Speaker A:And I started putting forth the idea of asking people to move in a way that you like, the way it feels.
Speaker B:What does that mean?
Speaker A:What do you mean, what does it mean?
Speaker A:Well, most of us in movement, we, we have these associations with movement that are exercise and.
Speaker B:You mean like legit, legitimately, physically moving around?
Speaker A:Yeah, around.
Speaker A:Like in the book, for example, I talk about a simple idea.
Speaker A:If you want to promote a feeling of liking yourself more just a few times a day, let's say you're at your desk, you're going in a cup of tea.
Speaker A:Tea or a cup of coffee.
Speaker A:Can you walk there in a way that you like the way it feels?
Speaker A:Now it sounds funny, but if you think.
Speaker A:I'm not talking about dancing to the kitchen or anything like that.
Speaker B:Not, not one, two step.
Speaker B:No, we're, we're not dancing Cha cha over to the drink.
Speaker A:Okay, there too.
Speaker A:That's fine, whatever works for you.
Speaker A:But the thing is we don't pay enough attention to ourselves sensorily.
Speaker A:So this idea of moving in a way that you like, the way it feels.
Speaker A:I decided many years ago that this was my job to help people like themselves.
Speaker B:So you mean like lunging instead of taking small steps or.
Speaker B:No.
Speaker B:Okay, well can you explain it for me because I'm not getting it.
Speaker A:Look, so I'm sitting here in front of the camera, I'm going to get up, right?
Speaker A:I'm going to get.
Speaker A:So I rush to get up and do something like that.
Speaker A:But if I can just take a moment to pause and think, I'm going to pay attention to the quality of how I'm moving.
Speaker A:I'm just gonna feel myself as I'm moving around like this and see what does that do to my inner sense of myself.
Speaker B:So you mean living in the moment.
Speaker B:Yes, I see what you mean.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker A:And now the sensory experience, it's only in the moment.
Speaker A:Everything we do that's sensory based is immediate, concrete and we can notice it right away.
Speaker B:You know, that's interesting.
Speaker B:It's so simple, but yet we.
Speaker B:I mean just speaking for myself, I definitely don't think of that very often.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:Wow.
Speaker A:It's one of the chapters in my book which is moving in a way that you like the way it feels.
Speaker A:But here's the best thing, I think that came out of it because in my training programs, which are four years long, I was proposing this idea throughout the four years.
Speaker A:And at the end of the four years, when people graduated, they'd come up and get their certificate and I'd give them a hug.
Speaker A:And I can't tell you how many people whispered in my ear, I like myself more.
Speaker A:And the thing is, if you think about, like, look, the idea of liking ourselves more, everyone.
Speaker A:I haven't met someone who doesn't want to like themselves more.
Speaker A:The difficulty, the challenge of it is when I pose the question, would you like to like yourself more often?
Speaker A:What comes up first are all the things people don't like about themselves.
Speaker B:Yeah, I can see that happening.
Speaker B:That the negative froth that needs to be kind of taken off.
Speaker B:The.
Speaker B:The glorious.
Speaker B:The glorious drink that you get to drink, which is the positivity.
Speaker A:Right?
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:I mean, just speaking for me, maybe I'll actually enroll.
Speaker B:I have a. I have a tough time with that.
Speaker B:I have a tough time not being my own worst enemy.
Speaker B:And then when I find that, when I find that middle ground between not liking myself and being overly confident, that's when things go pretty well.
Speaker A:Yeah, that's right.
Speaker A:And it's.
Speaker A:That middle ground is something.
Speaker A:What's important about the middle ground is to find a way to access it in a practical, everyday way.
Speaker B:How do we do that, Alan?
Speaker B:How do we do that?
Speaker A:The first thing is when we consider liking ourselves more.
Speaker A:And there's nothing wrong with.
Speaker A:What I'm going to say now is that the major way that we go about doing it is through external things.
Speaker A:We buy ourselves something.
Speaker A:A new shirt, a new hat, a new car, a new partner, a new home.
Speaker A:All of those things help us like ourselves more.
Speaker A:I don't know if you've ever had the experience of buying a new car.
Speaker B:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker A:So buying a new car, you feel pretty good driving around in that thing?
Speaker B:Oh, yeah, yeah.
Speaker A:About a year.
Speaker A:And then you see the next model and you go, yeah, right.
Speaker A:And so it's like, it doesn't last.
Speaker A:So we're building the sense of liking ourselves from an external resource as opposed to generating internally.
Speaker B:So you're rewarding yourself in a way?
Speaker A:Well, the reward comes out of the quality of feeling of how we do something.
Speaker A:Oh, yeah.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:And do you find that, like, if someone's able to hone into that.
Speaker B:That method of consciousness where they do like themselves and they're able to, you know, send that.
Speaker B:Those waves out into the universe, do you find that it's easy to hang on to?
Speaker B:Or maybe it only lasts a half.
Speaker A:A day or a day?
Speaker B:Or is there A time frame on this?
Speaker A:Yeah, I'm sure there is.
Speaker A:You know, it's like I heard a definition of enlightenment once that went like this.
Speaker A:You get enlightened and then you get enlightened again, and then you get enlightened again.
Speaker A:That it's not a constant state, but it's a state that gets.
Speaker A:We can access more frequently.
Speaker A:And I can say another way of thinking about it is we spend less time in the negative aspects of ourselves, the negative thoughts.
Speaker A:So it's like, yeah, I don't think we can eliminate those parts of ourselves, but we don't need to dwell in them for the same duration.
Speaker B:Is it like meditation or is this a little bigger?
Speaker A:I think it's bigger.
Speaker A:I think meditation is one of the means that someone can do that.
Speaker A:Okay, so meditation, what does it do?
Speaker A:I mean, there's different forms of meditation, but they put us in a position to get to know ourselves better, to get to know our mind, to track it, to be able to not be ruled by it in the same way.
Speaker A:And so here I'm suggesting the same thing through movement, but there's attention through an action.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:So it's.
Speaker B:It's both physical and spiritual and mental.
Speaker A:Sure, yeah.
Speaker A:You can't separate those things.
Speaker A:I don't know.
Speaker B:No, that's the way I've always been kind of brought up.
Speaker B:You know, correct me if I'm wrong.
Speaker B:You're.
Speaker B:You're the expert on this.
Speaker B:There's been this methodology or this kind of mantra that I've had recently in the last few years.
Speaker B:If you think positive, positive things happen.
Speaker B:Nor hopefully normally and mostly.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:And if you think negatively, well, negative things are probably going to happen.
Speaker B:Do you find that to be true?
Speaker A:I do find it to be true, but you know what?
Speaker A:I also find it to be general.
Speaker A:And it may take a long time to access that quality in ourselves.
Speaker A:So what I'm interested in is, like I said, what can I practice every day to get better at something?
Speaker A:So what do you.
Speaker B:What do you do?
Speaker B:What's.
Speaker B:What's your.
Speaker B:When you wake up in the morning, how do you start your day off in a positive way?
Speaker A:So I would say I wake up pretty easily.
Speaker A:I'm lucky.
Speaker A:Like, I'm lucky like that.
Speaker B:Very lucky.
Speaker B:I do not.
Speaker A:The thing that I become attuned to in myself is the quality of how I feel when I move.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:If you think about it.
Speaker A:If you think about how.
Speaker A:Look, I can ask.
Speaker A:Here's an interesting question I can ask you.
Speaker A:When do you decide to get comfortable?
Speaker B:Oh, not When I first wake up?
Speaker B:No, usually when I'm tired.
Speaker A:Yeah, or when you're uncomfortable.
Speaker B:Oh yeah, well that's true.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:If I'm uncomfortable, I'm looking for comfort for sure.
Speaker A:You know what, if you think about that, that's a crazy criteria.
Speaker B:It is.
Speaker A:We have to be comfortable, uncomfortable before we decide to get comfortable.
Speaker B:Well there's, that's that saying that they say you got to be comfortable being uncomfortable.
Speaker A:That's different, that that's being able to tolerate something.
Speaker A:But then it's a question how to be uncomfortable without it being injurious to ourselves.
Speaker B:Interesting.
Speaker A:Many people tolerate discomfort to the point where they end up having to see a doctor or an acupuncture or something.
Speaker A:They can't control what's happening in them anymore.
Speaker B:That's that physical, that's that physical pain or something that they're going through.
Speaker B:Yeah, well that's connected, right?
Speaker A:Sure.
Speaker A:It's the same thing.
Speaker A:Okay, we have, if you think of a child, right, you watch a five year old child and they're drawing and they're here and then they're like that and then they're this, and they do all this stuff and they never get up and go, oh mommy, I have a stiff hip.
Speaker A:Why?
Speaker A:Because they're monitoring themselves sensorily the whole time.
Speaker A:Now at that age it's to the point where they can't tolerate any form of discomfort.
Speaker A:And we learn from the time we're children to adults to ignore some of, some of these aspects of ourselves.
Speaker A:And question is again, how do we find a way to do this?
Speaker A:Now you know the, the first part of the book, Practice Intentional Acts of Kindness.
Speaker A:What I discovered is this idea of liking ourselves more.
Speaker A:We can practice this in numerous ways and it's intrapersonal, it's within ourselves.
Speaker A:But then I discovered quite by accident one day I did some act of kindness and I realized, you know, I felt a little better about myself after doing that.
Speaker A:And that was the connection of taking this liking myself into an engagement with other people in the world.
Speaker A:And it's all about connection.
Speaker A:Like you said before.
Speaker B:Do you find that some people,.
Speaker A:How.
Speaker B:Do I say this?
Speaker B:Do you, do you find that some people are against feeling okay with themselves?
Speaker A:I, I don't think they're against it.
Speaker B:Or maybe they've just made up this, this wall that they're just so used to the negativity or pain or soreness or just mental anguish that that's, they just feel like that's the norm.
Speaker A:It becomes their identity and their self image.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:And so the self image can be, can be the kind of physical pain they live with, the emotional pain they live with.
Speaker A:And I don't want to diminish someone's history or say that they just should get out of that and not do that that you can't do.
Speaker A:You need to replace it with something else.
Speaker A:I'll give you an example.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:So when I was 19, I moved out of my parents house.
Speaker A:And at 19, I had the realization that I wasn't good at anything.
Speaker A:I was a complete failure at 19, which is ridiculous because I was barely old enough to find success as much as to find failure.
Speaker A:And I thought, I'm going to teach myself to do one thing well.
Speaker A:And that one thing I chose was brushing my teeth.
Speaker A:Well, I didn't brush my teeth well.
Speaker A:And this was something that I could do on my own that no one checked, no one knew if I didn't do it, except the dentist maybe.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:And so this is something that I trained myself over a period of months to brush my teeth well.
Speaker A:And what was really interesting, what was revealed to me were all the blind spots of how I sabotaged myself, how I got in my own way.
Speaker A:But I picked a task that was so small, like I could eventually accomplish it.
Speaker A:But you know what?
Speaker A:Then electric toothbrushes came out and they had a two minute timer.
Speaker A:And all of a sudden I realized 30 seconds in each quadrant, what have I been doing?
Speaker A:Five seconds.
Speaker A:I had no idea how long two minutes really was.
Speaker A:So there was another level of encountering a learning about myself again that was secret.
Speaker A:It was by myself.
Speaker A:And that over time, that's the kind of thing that can change our self image.
Speaker B:It's such a simplistic way of thinking, yet it's so honed in on yourself once you accomplish that task.
Speaker B:Well, that's like the start of a great race.
Speaker A:That's right.
Speaker A:Yeah, go ahead.
Speaker A:Sorry.
Speaker B:Oh, no, no, no.
Speaker B:I just want to go ahead and make sure everyone out there in social media land knows the name of the book is Practice Intention, Intentional Acts of Kindness and like yourself.
Speaker A:Like yourself more.
Speaker B:And like yourself more.
Speaker A:Yeah, because I'm assuming that people have some level of liking themselves already and we want to build on that.
Speaker B:You know, I've met, I hate to say this, but I have met people that do not.
Speaker B:I have met people that are so down that they need someone to pick them up a bit or they need something just to go right.
Speaker B:You know, and sometimes we can do that just by, like you said, making a phone call, saying hello, buying Someone a water that can't afford a water.
Speaker B:You know, those can be the starts.
Speaker B:That can be the start of some really positive.
Speaker B:Some really positive stuff.
Speaker B:And it's so simple.
Speaker B:And it's like, I really want to put this on my whiteboard because I want to remember this.
Speaker B:Because when my computer blows up or something goes wrong, or even if I just.
Speaker B:Let's say I drop a water bottle on my keyboard, it's not the end of the world.
Speaker B:You know, we all make mistakes, and we can start over into a positive way.
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:And again, it's a question of the.
Speaker A:The.
Speaker A:It's in the everyday moments.
Speaker A:Like.
Speaker A:Like the idea of that mantra that you pose to keep positive thoughts to not negative thoughts.
Speaker A:How do I do that?
Speaker A:Because what happens is I'm caught in the negative thoughts and I don't even know it.
Speaker A:And this is the part that's really tricky.
Speaker B:It's like a web, Alan.
Speaker B:Negativity can bring your aid down and can really sabotage one's own strengths and just their own outlook.
Speaker B:They can just give up on everything.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:I had an experience once.
Speaker A:I was teaching for about a month in Europe, and I was on the plane coming home, and I started in a week and a half.
Speaker A:I had to fly out again, and I started thinking of all the things I had to do, and I got completely overwhelmed.
Speaker A:And I lay there just tripping out on this stuff and go, oh, yeah.
Speaker A:And then I caught it.
Speaker A:That's the hard part is to catch it.
Speaker A:I caught it.
Speaker B:So you caught it just like that.
Speaker A:I just happened to catch it.
Speaker A:And I asked myself a question.
Speaker A:The question was, is this a good time to be thinking about this?
Speaker A:And the answer was, no.
Speaker A:This is a terrible time to be thinking about this.
Speaker B:That would be the answer.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:Well, anyway, you don't have any materials with you.
Speaker A:This is a waste of time.
Speaker A:And I calmed down, but an hour later, it came up again, and I posed the question again.
Speaker A:And what I've discovered since then is every time I ask that question, is this a good time to be thinking about this?
Speaker A:The answer is always no.
Speaker A:That means I have to stop and reevaluate and reprioritize what I'm doing in the moment.
Speaker B:I think that's a good point, because we don't realize that, you know, not everything that happens in the moment needs to happen in that moment.
Speaker B:We can actually delay things.
Speaker B:We need to make sure that we're in our best heads.
Speaker B:Head.
Speaker B:Our best head, our best body feeling.
Speaker B:Because if I have chronic back pain, you Know, and I'm sitting in a chair, and then I. I'm still at the chair.
Speaker B:Still at the chair.
Speaker B:You know, maybe I need to get up kind of thing.
Speaker B:And I think sometimes, I mean, I forget that sometimes.
Speaker B:And just stretching and.
Speaker B:And just like you said, focusing on walking or just focusing on something different.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker B:That can change the whole day.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:Can change it dramatically.
Speaker A:And it's not just.
Speaker A:It's like if we really start considering.
Speaker A:I'll tell you something.
Speaker A:When I was writing the book, I got to the part about being kind to oneself, myself.
Speaker A:I got blocked for about five years, and I realized I thought I was kind to myself, but I really have a lot to learn about this still.
Speaker B:When you say blocked, you mean you.
Speaker B:You blocked yourself.
Speaker A:I couldn't write the book.
Speaker A:I was stuck.
Speaker B:Oh, okay.
Speaker A:I mean, for five years, I. I'd sit down and go.
Speaker A:And I'd wander around with it and stuff like that.
Speaker A:And it was like five years before I went, okay, I think I can do this now.
Speaker B:Just wasn't the time.
Speaker A:Well, it was more than it was the time.
Speaker A:I didn't know myself well enough, I think.
Speaker A:I think if I'm gonna have the kind of nerve to write a book about something like this, I have to have some skill at it.
Speaker A:Otherwise, I'm just putting out some silly ideas or something.
Speaker A:And, you know, and I know people have written books and the books are great and the people are idiots, you know?
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:Not to be unkind to them, but it's like, sure, they don't practice what they're talking about.
Speaker A:That's a whole different thing.
Speaker B:They're just selling it and chilling it.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:And, you know, that's a good point.
Speaker B:Especially with.
Speaker B:With this book.
Speaker B:It is a self help category.
Speaker B:It is.
Speaker B:And there's a lot of self help out there.
Speaker B:Actually, in podcasting land, self help is the number one category that people listen to right behind, right in front of true crime nowadays.
Speaker B:And two years ago, it used to be true crime and it switched.
Speaker B:Now people want to hear about self help and hear about relationships, but there's so many people selling that.
Speaker B:You know, how when someone asks you, alan, how are you?
Speaker B:How are you qualified to write about it?
Speaker B:What do you tell them?
Speaker A:Well, I think that, you know, almost 40 years of practice of investigating these ideas is one thing.
Speaker A:I don't know how much the years count for much, but my experiences of actually doing it concretely with people has worked.
Speaker A:And I've seen the success of many, many people in this realm of first liking Themselves more of learning to take better care of themselves, be kind to themselves, and then bringing it out into the world and doing acts of kindness.
Speaker A:Like you said, buying someone a bottle of water, right?
Speaker A:So that's a great thing.
Speaker A:But it's only a great thing if you do it regularly.
Speaker A:Once a day, buy someone, or once a week, buy someone a bottle of water.
Speaker A:Doing it once, we pat ourselves on the back, we feel good, but then we forget about it.
Speaker A:And look, can you think of any skill, any job, any role that someone doesn't need to practice to get better at it?
Speaker B:No, no, you always have to practice to get better.
Speaker A:Yeah, you have to practice to get better.
Speaker A:And so the more we practice something, but then again, we have to practice things that are small enough that we can come back to it every day and do something with it and come back to it again the next day or the next week.
Speaker A:Here's another example.
Speaker A:So, you know, actually, I'll tell you something else.
Speaker A:When I wrote the book, when I finished the book, you know, you asked me my qualifications.
Speaker B:Not in a negative way at all.
Speaker B:We're staying positive.
Speaker B:But I'm just, just, just curious.
Speaker A:No, no, I think it's a fine example.
Speaker A:You know, look, I developed an audio video program years ago for pregnant women with my other work with the Feldenkrais method.
Speaker A:And someone in marketing asked me a really good question.
Speaker A:They said to me, are you an expert in pregnancy?
Speaker A:And I said, no, but I'm an expert in movement.
Speaker A:I know a lot about movement.
Speaker A:So I can help professional athletes with sports that I can't do well.
Speaker A:I can help them get better, professional dancers, professional ballerinas.
Speaker A:I can help them improve in what they're doing.
Speaker A:So now I started to say, when I finish the book, I encountered something that was a bit of a shock for me and it wasn't pleasant.
Speaker A:I felt that I was quite skillful at all the things that I write about.
Speaker A:I think I have a handle on them.
Speaker A:I can do them.
Speaker A:And then what I discovered is the next level for me to like myself more, for me to be kinder is such a big leap that I don't know that I'll ever get there.
Speaker A:So each time we accomplish being kinder, each time we accomplish liking ourselves more, it sets us up for the next level of trying to achieve a higher level of kindness.
Speaker B:It seems like.
Speaker B:It seems like there's intertwined, an interconnection rather of spirituality in there too, and self consciousness and like awareness of yourself in the universe around others.
Speaker B:And that whole vibe Thing, Right.
Speaker B:Well, it's, it's, it's.
Speaker B:It's funny that you say you're not an expert in pregnancy.
Speaker B:I can see that.
Speaker B:But, you know, movement.
Speaker B:I want to get back to that.
Speaker B:You say movement.
Speaker B:What's the most important body is there.
Speaker B:Let me, Let me rephrase.
Speaker B:Is there a most important part of the body that requires movement to get kind of the juices flowing?
Speaker B:Is it the hips?
Speaker B:Is it the quads?
Speaker B:Is it the neck?
Speaker B:Like, whoa.
Speaker B:How do you break that down?
Speaker A:Well, the thing is, when we break it down, we break it down into parts.
Speaker A:And what makes sense is that we function as a system.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:So, for example, when I reach for something, how do I reach for something?
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:If you look at the arm, for example, if I say to someone, where does your arm begin and end?
Speaker A:They're going to point to their shoulder and their fingertips.
Speaker A:And that makes sense.
Speaker A:We need that distinction for Simon says, and kids need to learn the part themselves.
Speaker B:Sure.
Speaker A:But actually, if you learn skeletal anatomy, they'll say the arm begins at the sternoclavicular joint and includes the collarbone and the shoulder blade.
Speaker B:Believe it or not, I took amp one and two.
Speaker B:So I am almost following everything you're saying here.
Speaker A:Follow that because that's a tricky one.
Speaker A:If you look at a child reaching, a child doesn't reach from here, and a child doesn't reach from here.
Speaker A:A child reaches.
Speaker A:Actually, when a child's arm is going forward, it's their pelvis moving their arm forward.
Speaker B:So it's a body thing.
Speaker A:It's a body thing.
Speaker A:But they're using the larger muscles of their body to initiate the action.
Speaker A:So when you said, like you said, is there a place to start, like the hips?
Speaker A:Well, you try to ask people where their hip joints are.
Speaker A:Most people have no idea.
Speaker A:I have one workshop called Getting Hip, and for two days, that's great at people's hips.
Speaker A:And I said, how do you feel?
Speaker A:And I feel their back, their neck, their feet.
Speaker A:And I said, do you feel your hip joints?
Speaker A:Maybe.
Speaker A:So they're a hidden joint.
Speaker A:They're hard to feel.
Speaker A:But if you look at professional athletes or martial artists, you'll see the initiation of their action comes from the lower end of their pelvis to move themselves through space.
Speaker A:We don't have access to that.
Speaker A:We can learn to do that.
Speaker B:So do we get tight?
Speaker B:Do we get tight with stress and negativity and have to learn how to re or relearn how to stretch and how to really move our, you know, elongate?
Speaker A:That's a better word.
Speaker A:That's a better word than stretching, because stretching is actually something a muscle either contracts or it lengthens.
Speaker A:It doesn't stretch.
Speaker A:But.
Speaker A:But what stretching affords us when we stretch is it brings our attention and our awareness to places that are tight.
Speaker A:And so we can not injure ourselves in the same way.
Speaker A:But in fact, the more important aspect of it, which you haven't come to yet, and most people don't come to, is that we need to organize around our skeleton more efficiently.
Speaker A:The skeleton is the part of ourselves that bends, bears weight and transmits force.
Speaker A:And we underuse that and overuse our musculature.
Speaker A:So if you get out of a chair, you just get out of a chair and feel what it's like.
Speaker A:But then you get out of a chair by pushing your feet into the floor, it's going to feel different because you're using a skeleton to do something like that.
Speaker A:So this is.
Speaker A:This is.
Speaker A:I mean, all of this sensory stuff.
Speaker A:I mean, we could talk.
Speaker A:I could talk for days.
Speaker B:It's very interesting.
Speaker B:I've never, ever thought of this, ever.
Speaker B:And I love that you're on here, by the way.
Speaker B:This is Alan Questell, author.
Speaker B:Not a pregnancy expert, but he's an expert in movement.
Speaker B:Very insightful.
Speaker B:If you have any questions for the man, throw it in the chat.
Speaker B:You could also text us.
Speaker B:I'll put the text line up.
Speaker B:You can send a smoke signal if you'd like.
Speaker B:So when we first started this conversation, I asked you why you wrote the book.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:At this point.
Speaker B:Well, actually, let me ask you this.
Speaker B:When did you wrote the book?
Speaker B: ,: Speaker B:Is that when it was released?
Speaker A:Finish?
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:How has.
Speaker B:How the reviews been?
Speaker B:How have people taken it to.
Speaker B:People find it.
Speaker B:That is something that they read in the morning.
Speaker B:Maybe it's in the back of.
Speaker B:In the back of the car.
Speaker B:Do you have people that contact you?
Speaker B:How has it gone?
Speaker A:I would say the biggest conversation I have with people is that as they get into it, they say to me, I actually decided to not read the next chapter yet.
Speaker A:I want to approach this slowly and not rush through it to let this new idea take hold in some way.
Speaker B:That's interesting because all we want to do, at least in my.
Speaker B:I'm an ELDER Millennial.
Speaker B:I'm 37.
Speaker B:All I want to do is get the this done, this done, this done as fast as possible.
Speaker B:Sometimes the best thing I can do really is just take a breath and.
Speaker B:And go through the motions and put on that delay.
Speaker B:But I'll tell You this.
Speaker B:I have a chiropractor who is very into wellness, very into more than just chiropractic, but into the whole body.
Speaker B:And they use all these, these different methods of healing.
Speaker B:I am absolutely going to text him this book because the more I hear about this, the more I, I think of that whole body wellness, you know, we're always looking for, you know, maybe acupuncture will be the thing, maybe chiropractic will be the thing, you know, and it's always these, when they work for only so long, this, this method of movement and being self aware of the movement seems like the, a new kind of, kind of phenomenon that if we're just a little more aware of what's going on in the present, you know, maybe it doesn't have to be so complicated.
Speaker A:Well, may.
Speaker A:Or maybe we don't need to see someone else, we can generate it ourselves,.
Speaker B:Which is even better.
Speaker A:That's even better.
Speaker A:You know, when someone comes to me with pain, my role is to get rid of them, to say, okay, now you do it now, right?
Speaker A:If someone comes to me and they don't like themselves, I can coach them in something like that.
Speaker A:But I'll say no, you know, go practice it, see what it's like, you know, come back to me with more questions.
Speaker B:Let me ask you this.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:That I've achieved it.
Speaker A:I like myself more.
Speaker A:It's crazy, you know.
Speaker B:Can you give us an example of a really stubborn one that you've had a, you had a tough time with at first patient or a lot?
Speaker A:A lot.
Speaker B:And then they've, they've really crossed that bridge and now they're like devout into the methodology.
Speaker A:Well, I guess the way that, that I hear it come back to me.
Speaker B:Yeah, exactly.
Speaker B:I'm looking for that is, is when was, when did that button hit?
Speaker A:What I hear come back at me is like what I described before in the graduation ceremony when people whispered, I like myself more.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:Or they'll come back to me often with an insight that I had already told them about.
Speaker A:But it was their insight, they discovered it.
Speaker A:And they say, you know, I realize I'm really hard on myself.
Speaker A:I need to learn to be easier.
Speaker A:And I'm starting to do it.
Speaker A:And again, you know, if someone, if I'm working with someone and they have some very strong habit, whether it's a physical habit or some emotional habit or something, and I said, well, okay, so let's talk about changing it.
Speaker A:How long do you think it'll take to change that habit?
Speaker A:And they say a month.
Speaker A:And I laugh at them.
Speaker A:I go, that's ridiculous.
Speaker A:You've been doing this most of your life.
Speaker A:I think a year and a half to two years is a better time frame to consider it.
Speaker A:Think about it, though.
Speaker A:If you give yourself a month to change something and it doesn't change, bam, you're back to where you were.
Speaker A:I'm no good.
Speaker A:I didn't do well.
Speaker B:You give up.
Speaker A:That's right, you give up.
Speaker A:But if you get to six months and go, oh, I still not do I have another year to go, that gives someone time to approach something.
Speaker A:Because what we're talking about are really deeply fundamental aspects of ourselves.
Speaker B:We're not talking about just going for a swim.
Speaker B:We're talking about.
Speaker B:It's a.
Speaker B:It's a thought process mentality, really.
Speaker A:Yeah, it's everything.
Speaker A:It's our thoughts, our feelings, our sensations.
Speaker A:And like I said earlier, a better realization, excuse me, A better realization about how we're going about this is that, oh, I'm still doing this, but I spend less time there.
Speaker A:All the negative thoughts that I have, they still exist.
Speaker A:I have not gotten rid of any of them, but I don't linger in them as long.
Speaker B:Can you kind of control that better?
Speaker B:Is what happens.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:That's so interesting.
Speaker B:Can you tell us?
Speaker B:Yeah, sorry.
Speaker A:Needs to happen.
Speaker A:For that to happen is very often we need to differentiate the action from the thoughts or feelings that preceded.
Speaker B:So why it's happening and what our action is?
Speaker A:Well, no, not why.
Speaker A:It's because when I go into why, I start explaining to myself and go into another internal conversation like meditating.
Speaker A:So I meditated for many, many years.
Speaker A:And if I. I would do it first thing when I woke up.
Speaker A:But if I thought, if I had the thought, should I meditate?
Speaker A:I'd go back to bed.
Speaker A:I just did it.
Speaker A:And it wasn't to ignore my feelings.
Speaker A:It was to differentiate my feelings, to have a higher relationship with the thoughts and feelings.
Speaker A:To know I can feel that I don't want to do this.
Speaker A:My thoughts are saying, stay in bed, I.
Speaker A:And I'm going to get up and sit because once I'm out of bed and on the cushion, I feel better.
Speaker A:So it's the action that's.
Speaker A:The whole book is really about action.
Speaker B:The Felden Christ Method.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:What is this?
Speaker B:What?
Speaker B:What is it?
Speaker B:It sounds religious.
Speaker B:Is it religious?
Speaker B:Does it come off of, of the mantra like, what is this?
Speaker B:I need to know more.
Speaker A:It was developed by an Israeli force physicist who as a young man destroyed his knees playing soccer and he couldn't figure out why.
Speaker A:Some days his knees hurt, some days they didn't hurt.
Speaker A:Sometimes one knee hurt, sometimes the other.
Speaker A:And he was a physicist, a mathematician.
Speaker A:He became one of the first westerners to get a black belt in judo with his bad knees.
Speaker A:And his major thing was, how can I do what I want to do?
Speaker A:How can I fulfill my intention around my bad knees?
Speaker A:And he developed this whole method that when I studied with him, I was fortunate enough to study with him.
Speaker A:When I graduated, there were 300 of us in the world, and now there's probably 8 or 10,000 in the world doing this.
Speaker A:And so this practice of movement is one that, as I said before, the probably a third of the people come with some kind of neurological problem.
Speaker A:Kids with cerebral palsy, people with stroke, multiple sclerosis.
Speaker A:Another third are people with pain, back pain, neck pain, knee pain.
Speaker A:And the other third are people who want to improve some qualities or change their self image.
Speaker A:But the interesting thing is what I do with all those different populations is the same idea, which is, see, how can movement translate more effectively through them skeletally?
Speaker A:And when that happens, functioning improves, self image changes.
Speaker B:So someone comes into your office, Alan, and he like says, okay, I'm having a lot of trouble with the lower lumbar disc sciatic nerve pain.
Speaker B:It's causing so much pain.
Speaker B:It's actually in the, it's causing pain in the neck because the spine is, is connected the discs.
Speaker B:What do you do first?
Speaker B:Like, what's your move there?
Speaker B:Do you have them spread out on the floor?
Speaker B:Do you go through what their, what their day is like?
Speaker B:How do you start to help someone like that?
Speaker A:I want to know more information about how they spend their day and everything like that.
Speaker A:And you know, you said something, and it was kind of a very interesting astute statement that you said that they come with a problem with the lumbar disc or sciatica, but their neck bothers them.
Speaker A:Well, it turns out the neck, the cervical spine and the lumbar spine of the lower back, they reflect each other in movement.
Speaker A:So often someone has lower back pain, they have neck pain and vice versa.
Speaker A:But the thing is, when someone has lower back pain, what's the cause of it?
Speaker A:And the tendency in the models that we live in is to look at, okay, there's a compressed disc or it's compressing on the sciatic nerve through the lower back or the hip joint, and then they try to treat it locally.
Speaker A:But you know that the people I work with with back pain, some of them have back pain because of how they use their eyes.
Speaker A:Some of them have back pain because of what they do in their neck.
Speaker A:Some of them have back pain because they hold their chest too tight.
Speaker A:And so.
Speaker A:Oh, there's too much movement in the lower back or some.
Speaker A:The lower.
Speaker A:The chest is too free and the lower back is held tight.
Speaker A:So there's not one answer.
Speaker A:It's like I just spoke to one of my trainees today about someone who has all these problems with her arms and everything.
Speaker A:And I said, and of course, everyone wants to focus on the arms, which makes perfect sense.
Speaker A:But in fact, if they go to numerous people and they aren't finding any success in the treatments, that's not the answer.
Speaker A:The answer is looking at the person as a system.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:That the whole self is involved.
Speaker A:Like, I have another woman I'm working with right now and the biggest thing about the pain in her knee and the pain in her back is that she doesn't bend her ankles.
Speaker B:Such a simple thing, but just.
Speaker B:It doesn't happen.
Speaker A:It's complicated.
Speaker A:It's so simple.
Speaker A:It's complicated.
Speaker B:You forget.
Speaker B:Do we just forget or.
Speaker A:Well, yeah, some of it's forgetting.
Speaker B:Some of the stress.
Speaker B:Intention.
Speaker B:Is it a lot of different.
Speaker B:Is it a lot of different things?
Speaker A:Multiple causes?
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:Wow.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:I.
Speaker B:I'm sure insurance doesn't cover this, but.
Speaker A:No, they should.
Speaker B:That would be.
Speaker B:That.
Speaker B:What do they call it?
Speaker A:Well, you know what, we've been approached by insurance companies to cover it.
Speaker B:Good.
Speaker A:Each time.
Speaker B:Oh, really?
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:Because you know what happens, you know,.
Speaker B:Then they want to run the show.
Speaker A:That's right.
Speaker A:They run.
Speaker A:They tell you how many times the person could come and how much you can charge and all this stuff.
Speaker B:And.
Speaker A:And in fact, terrible.
Speaker A:It's based on learning.
Speaker A:It's not based on a medical model.
Speaker A:That's very different.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:Learning involves this client to understand themselves, to know themselves more.
Speaker A:So again, so they have volition over it.
Speaker B:Sure.
Speaker B:Someone should.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:You should be in control of your own.
Speaker B:Your own medicine.
Speaker B:This is so interesting, y'.
Speaker A:All.
Speaker B:If you're still curious about anything in this conversation, definitely drop a ton chat.
Speaker B: -: Speaker B:Alan Questell.
Speaker B:This is wicked interesting.
Speaker B:I did not know it was going to be this kind of conversation.
Speaker B:I'm floored.
Speaker B:Let me ask you this.
Speaker B:The.
Speaker B:The title of the book, Practice intentional acts of kindness.
Speaker B:Dot, dot, dot.
Speaker B:And like yourself more.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:Why the.
Speaker B:Why the.
Speaker B:And like yourself yourself more.
Speaker A:Ah.
Speaker A:Because that's.
Speaker A:That's at the essence of being Kind to ourselves.
Speaker A:I think that's a direct reflection of how kind I am, is that I like myself more.
Speaker A:And I would say this.
Speaker A:I would say, look, we have these two ideas, being kind and liking ourselves more.
Speaker A:I haven't found anything that's more fundamental to each of us.
Speaker A:We may want other things in our lives and be successful in different things, but in fact, the idea of liking ourselves more, that's pretty significant.
Speaker B:It's way better than hating ourselves.
Speaker B:And I think a smile goes a long way.
Speaker B:And I think, like you said at the beginning, a phone call, a connection, you know, not only do they release endorphins and.
Speaker B:And the different, you know, chemicals.
Speaker B:Dopamine and oxytocin, I'm sure, but it's human contact.
Speaker B:You know, I think in 20, 20, 23, I've learned ever since COVID you know, everything is virtual.
Speaker B:Like, right now, it's almost like my brain.
Speaker B:Our brains think that we're together in person, but once the screen is off, you're kind of alone.
Speaker B:And.
Speaker B:And technically, I'm alone right now.
Speaker B:I'm just talking.
Speaker B:Talking to you on a screen.
Speaker B:That human contact goes so far.
Speaker B:A handshake, a hug, eye contact, even.
Speaker A:I'll give you an example of a simple thing we can do with this kind of contact.
Speaker A:That's something you can practice on an everyday basis.
Speaker A:So years ago, I lived in.
Speaker A:I grew up in New York.
Speaker A:I was living there, and my friend and I were on the bank.
Speaker A:We were online, and he was in front of me, and he got up to the teller, and.
Speaker A:And he said to her, how's your day going?
Speaker A:And she kind of looked up.
Speaker A:You know, she was like, what?
Speaker A:She looked up, shocked, and she went, it's going well, huh?
Speaker A:And I'm looking at my friend going, where the.
Speaker A:What's he doing?
Speaker A:Why'd he learn that?
Speaker A:And I started calling that intentional chit chat.
Speaker A:That's different than how's your day going?
Speaker A:You know, nice to see you.
Speaker A:Have a great day.
Speaker A:Those are the kind of casual things we say all the time.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:Really bring our attention to someone and say, how's your day going?
Speaker A:That takes a second.
Speaker B:Caring, really, and.
Speaker B:And.
Speaker B:And putting that out there.
Speaker A:Yeah, I see you.
Speaker A:You know, that.
Speaker A:That you're there.
Speaker A:You're not just, you know, where.
Speaker A:It really works in airports, people, you know, I fly a lot.
Speaker B:Oh, airports are the biggest anxious pool you can find.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Because everyone's a little, you know, Everyone knows some people don't want to fly.
Speaker B:Everyone's in a hurry.
Speaker B:Some People are nervous.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:The flight is delayed, and they get upset, and it doesn't help anything when I go up to the.
Speaker A:You know, to the desk and I say, so when's the next flight?
Speaker A:I don't go, when's the next flight?
Speaker A:That's what everyone else is doing.
Speaker A:I go, when's the next flight?
Speaker A:I said, must be hard with all these people being pissed off all the time.
Speaker B:Get further with sugar than you do with vinegar.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:But at the same time, we're human, you know, I mean, being yelled.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Could you imagine being yelled at constantly about, oh, it's got to be rough being in that.
Speaker B:In that.
Speaker B:That industry.
Speaker A:Yeah, definitely.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:Or even just being.
Speaker B:There are so many industries, actually, customer service in itself.
Speaker B:I was in customer service for a long time, and it's like, you have to develop this thick skin and learn how to.
Speaker B:Learn how to make sure that.
Speaker B:That negativity that you're getting, if they're yelling at you, if they're taking it out all on you, you have to learn how to not take it personally.
Speaker B:Like they call it Q tip.
Speaker B:Quit taking it personally.
Speaker A:That's good.
Speaker B:That's something I still struggle with.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:Because we are human.
Speaker B:We.
Speaker B:We.
Speaker B:We do take us.
Speaker B:I take a sense of responsibility because it's part of my job, but I had to learn how to kind of disassociate from that.
Speaker B:But when you do that, then you're not doing your job.
Speaker B:It feels like.
Speaker B:And it's a.
Speaker B:It's a.
Speaker B:It's a confusing kind of thing that.
Speaker A:I just had this insight the other day.
Speaker A:I was taking a walk, and I live on a dirt road, and there's nice places where I can walk here in Santa Fe.
Speaker A:And I'm walking, and I hear a bike coming up behind me.
Speaker A:And then I hear the ding.
Speaker A:Ding.
Speaker A:They ring their bell a little bit, and.
Speaker A:And I moved over to the left, and the person on the bike was an old woman.
Speaker A:And she went, well, passing on the right like that, with that tone of voice.
Speaker A:And I immediately got kind of like, what's your problem?
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:But then I had another insight, and I thought, if she's that judgmental to others, imagine how judgmental she is with herself.
Speaker B:Yeah, that's.
Speaker B:See, that's such a good point.
Speaker B:She must not like herself as much.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:And maybe that's where that comes out of.
Speaker B:It's.
Speaker B:Maybe if she had a.
Speaker B:Maybe if she had just gotten some flowers, maybe she wouldn't have said that.
Speaker B:Or maybe.
Speaker B:Maybe not.
Speaker B:I mean, you never know.
Speaker A:You can't predict that.
Speaker A:But on.
Speaker A:On the way back.
Speaker B:True.
Speaker A:She passed me again and I just waved and said, hi.
Speaker B:Smile.
Speaker A:Some years ago, I might have gone, you know I don't like you, Right?
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Or just nothing.
Speaker B:Or you can give them the cold stare, which I always find very weird.
Speaker B:I. Oh, I.
Speaker B:That's the one that I don't get.
Speaker B:I'm.
Speaker B:I'm from.
Speaker B:I grew up outside of Boston and it's.
Speaker B:You kind of just hustle and bustle.
Speaker B:Like you said, you're from the New York area, so you kind of know how it is and you just don't even look.
Speaker B:You just kind of do what you think and.
Speaker B:But when you move away from that and you, you move into it.
Speaker B:Sounds like you're in more of a country scenery.
Speaker B:I'm kind of more in.
Speaker B:I'm less city wise.
Speaker B:At least there's different interactions for different folks.
Speaker B:Here's my question, Alan.
Speaker B:Do you think people kind of fall into not liking themselves in more of a city atmosphere, or do you think the country.
Speaker B:Does any of that matter?
Speaker B:Does it matter where you're located or where you are, is what I'm trying to ask.
Speaker A:I think it could have an influence, but I don't think it really.
Speaker B:Like living by the water versus living in the inner city.
Speaker A:I know so many people by the water are not happy.
Speaker B:Oh, that's okay.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:But I.
Speaker A:Look, many people used to live by the water, choose to live in the mountains because of what it gives them.
Speaker A:But I know people who choose to live in the city because of what it gives them, too.
Speaker B:That's a good point.
Speaker B:That's a good point.
Speaker A:Like New York, where I grew up there.
Speaker A:So it was like the norm for me.
Speaker A:But so many people move there to what?
Speaker A:To find a level of success they want to be.
Speaker B:That's their motivator.
Speaker A:That's a good thing.
Speaker A:That's not a bad thing at all.
Speaker A:But then it's a tough city to.
Speaker A:To succeed in sometimes.
Speaker B:Tough city.
Speaker B:New York's tough.
Speaker A:They get stuck there.
Speaker B:I'm not a huge New York City.
Speaker B:I mean, I have nothing against it.
Speaker B:Just wouldn't want to live there personally.
Speaker B:It's a tough.
Speaker B:It's a tough one.
Speaker A:You know, I teach in cities all over the world, in Australia, South America, Japan and.
Speaker B:Okay, so that's interesting.
Speaker B:So are people.
Speaker B:Is it the same kind of mantra, the same kind of mentalities in different countries?
Speaker A:Pretty much, yeah.
Speaker B:So we.
Speaker B:We really all are human.
Speaker B:Just we, we, we.
Speaker B:Well, obviously.
Speaker B:But we expel this energy Kind of.
Speaker B:Of in the same way.
Speaker A:Yeah, I think everyone wants the same thing.
Speaker A:I think everyone wants to feel a little better about themselves.
Speaker A:I verbalize that in terms of liking themselves more.
Speaker A:And I think I haven't met someone who doesn't want more kindness.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:I mean, there are some curmudgeons out there who go, ah, bad humbug.
Speaker A:I don't want to be kind to anybody.
Speaker A:I'm.
Speaker A:You know, it's like, that's a waste of time, Scrooge.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:But, you know, it's kind of like they're in such a small percentage.
Speaker A:I don't think it's even significant.
Speaker B:Do you think that has to do with maybe a mental disoficient deficiency or maybe something like that?
Speaker A:That'd be unfair.
Speaker B:Or a vitamin deficiency?
Speaker A:No, I. I mean, there could be things like that.
Speaker A:Look, there's so many kinds of antidepressants to help people with that, but deep.
Speaker B:Down, you're saying that, you know, everyone.
Speaker B:Everyone's the same.
Speaker A:I had a good friend.
Speaker A:He just passed away.
Speaker A:He was a neuroscientist, and we would talk all the time.
Speaker A:And at one point he called me up.
Speaker A:He said he was doing research with serotonin levels at Harvard University.
Speaker A:And he said, well, we proved it.
Speaker A:I said, prove what?
Speaker A:When there's.
Speaker A:When someone is depressed, there's less serotonin.
Speaker A:And I said, okay, but are they depressed because there's less serotonin, or is there less serotonin because.
Speaker B:Because they're depressed?
Speaker A:And he went, that will never know.
Speaker A:So, you know, it's like, we discover these things, but how do we apply them in a way that's not just a band aid for someone, but that helps them help themselves.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Instead of throwing a pill at it,.
Speaker A:Maybe kindness and liking yourself more, it's something.
Speaker A:It's a skill that we can get better at.
Speaker B:Hey, you heard it here first.
Speaker B:That's Alan Questell.
Speaker B:Practice intentional acts of kindness and like yourself more.
Speaker B:That's the name of the book.
Speaker B:This was awesome.
Speaker B:Is there anything else, Alan, you want to leave us with that?
Speaker B:Because this is so insightful.
Speaker B:Thank you so much for coming on.
Speaker B:Anything we missed that you want to tell us about?
Speaker A:I just hope that this conversation can help generate a seed in you to like yourself more that can grow the rest of your life and that you can think about when you do an act of kindness, is it something that's repeatable, that you can do again?
Speaker A:You know, how can people get in.
Speaker B:Touch with you, Alan?
Speaker A:So the website is practicing-kindness.com okay.
Speaker A:And the book is available on Amazon as a paperback, I like to say as a Kindle instead of a Kindle.
Speaker A:Also there as an audiobook.
Speaker A:And also I have lots of.
Speaker A:I have a few other websites.
Speaker A:If you just Google my name, you can find me and contact me with more information.
Speaker B:We'll make sure we put that in the summary when we release the episode on all the spot.
Speaker B:All of the podcast catchers like Spotify and Apple, this will be on YouTube.
Speaker B:And of course, we'll put it everywhere we can.
Speaker B:Alan, thank you so much for coming on.
Speaker B:This was awesome.
Speaker B:I really appreciate your time and live well.
Speaker A:Thanks so much.
Speaker A:I really appreciated the conversation.
Speaker A:I had a good time.
Speaker A:Time.
Speaker B:Same here.
Speaker B:Take care.
Speaker B:Hey, how cool is that, right?
Speaker B:You never know what you're gonna get on this show.
Speaker B:I didn't know we were gonna go into that direction.
Speaker B:I thought we were just gonna talk about the book, but we talked about why the book was.
Speaker B:Why the book was written.
Speaker B:We talked about the inner.
Speaker B:The cool stuff.
Speaker B:The book, again, is practice intentional acts of kindness and like yourself better.
Speaker B:Alan Questell.
Speaker B:We'll make sure we get all the information up there for you on the summary on YouTube podcasts.
Speaker B:And hey, if you need to get in touch with us, it's infolindknowledge.com My name is Joey B. I am out of here, y'.
Speaker A:All.
Speaker B:It's Friday and I am going for a walk.
Speaker B:I'm gonna stretch my muscles, use my pelvis, and think positively.
Speaker B:And hey, if you haven't told someone you love them today, definitely do that.
Speaker B:Love y'.
Speaker B:All.
Speaker B:Have a great, great evening.
Speaker B:Bye.
Speaker B:Bye.
